You know what my problem is? This is probably going to surprise you: I care too much.
I’m sensitive but I hide it well. I’m constantly anxious but I don’t show it. I feel deeply, I think deeply, I love hard and I give all of myself from the beginning which leaves me vulnerable. I’m not the best at expressing that in words in the moment (you try translating from images to words and see how well it works out) but it’s true.
I’m passionate. Intense. Difficult. I always have been since early childhood. I mess up a lot and I’m kind of a jerk sometimes but that’s me. This is what you get. I make no excuses or apologies, I just want to be me. I don’t mince words. I don’t sugar coat and I don’t tell people what they want to hear. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
I treasure every person that comes into my life and stays even a short while so, of course, I’m terribly hurt the moment they decide to leave in a way that is hard for me to understand (especially without explanation or when I feel the cause to be unjust). This has been happening a great deal of late and I am left to wonder why. What am I doing wrong? I already know I can’t change myself (that effort was wasted several times already and it would be insane to continue beating that dead horse) so what, exactly, am I doing that is so problematic? Issue is no one ever tells me so I’m left scratching my head every time it happens. Name calling, deflection and projection do not count as explanation.
I’ve been called all sorts of things in the past which I pretend bounced off, but they didn’t: abrasive, aggressive, savage (which is actually racist in my case), cold, insensitive, dense, rude, disrespectful, depressing, negative, mean-spirited, selfish. None of them are true. In fact they couldn’t be further from the truth. I come on strong but I’m not being aggressive just to pick a fight. Yes, I love a good debate, but I don’t appreciate it when personal attacks begin to get sucked in. I want to argue a point and have heated discourse without everyone losing their heads over it.
I’m pretty well constantly faced with the difficulty of friendlessness and isolation. (Disregard how many people I’m connected to on Facebook because, frankly, how many of them can say they truly know me? Maybe about four. MAYBE.) I’m strange, eccentric even. I get that. People are intimidated because I’m so much of myself all the time that they think I’m crazy. Really I just don’t hold back. I actually think it’s much crazier to restrain oneself so much that enjoyment is impeded. I spent my entire childhood like that. I don’t need to continue living that way. It’s not healthy or fun and as far as I can tell we only get one shot at this.
For those who can’t handle it? I’m not sorry that you can’t. It’s not for you and that’s just fine. However, I do ask that you don’t waste my time or yours because the flames are hot and they’re going to stay that way until long after I’m gone if I can help it. I refuse to tone myself down to appease another’s ego. I also refuse to tell my child to hold back when of an age to comprehend that even slightly.